I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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