Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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