Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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