She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
