I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize