Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Randomize
