it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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