My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
