Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
