I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
