Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Barsexuality is the new black.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
