i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
