Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
