So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
