So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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