Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
