That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
