I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
