Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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