Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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