Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
is wine microwaveable?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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