The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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