I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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