I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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