I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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