I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
