those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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