I haven't been this sober since birth.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You may now shotgun with the bride
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
