@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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