You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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