I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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