The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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