Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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