my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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