She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
