Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
