Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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