My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
