If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
