just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
