he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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