if you like me you must not know who I am
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
