Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
