I didn't shave. On purpose
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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