I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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