I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
