would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
