Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
