I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
