in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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