someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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