This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
