Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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