Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
