onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
