I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
